“Ted” Cruz
What the eff????
You’ve gotta admit. He has big brass ones
Rafael Edward Cruz, known to his fans, friends, and Fox News producers as Ted, has introduced a bill to stop people from using...
wait for it...
preferred names.
I’ll give you a second.
Rafael Edward Cruz….who goes by Ted because “Rafael” didn’t scream down home American values hard enough, has introduced a bill to ban the use of preferred names.
Yes. A man who launched his political career by ghosting his birth name is now trying to stop you from doing what he’s literally done every day since college.
And the best part?
His bill literally defines the thing he doesn’t want you to do:
“The term ‘preferred name’ means a name that is used instead of a person’s legal name at the request of the person.”
(Safeguarding Honest Speech Act, Sec. 2)
Followed by this gem:
“No Federal funds may be used for the purpose of implementing, administering, or enforcing any rule... requiring an employee... to use... a name other than a person's legal name when referring to such person.”
So... if your name is Alexandra and you go by Alex? That’s a no.
Jonathan becomes Jon? Sorry, not federally funded.
And Rafael becoming Ted? Well… that’s different, obviously. Because reasons.
Let’s be honest: this isn’t a bill, it’s a full blown Satire Performance Art Act, starring one man who’s been hiding behind a nickname so aggressively, his own birth certificate is probably in witness protection.
And no, the bill doesn’t require Senator Cruz to start introducing himself as “Rafael” again. There’s no clause making him reclaim the name he buried somewhere under a pile of campaign ads and American flag pins.
Because this isn’t about integrity.
And nothing says “limited government” like telling federal employees what names they’re not allowed to say out loud.
So until Rafael drops the “Ted,”
Until Fox News has to say “RAFAEL EDWARD CRUZ” in full voice every time he shows up on screen,
We’re gonna go ahead and call this bill what it is:
Peak hypocrisy. With an R. Rolled.
~ Mariana Hernandez
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