Going On Holiday

 

Chelle Virite From Australia wrote this:

“Going on holiday today ... I should be happy. 

Not a good day today 

Today, as I sit in the departure lounge of our holiday, I wished that my heart sparkled with excitement instead it's heavy and dead burdened with the tiredness of life and the choices that were made to brighten my day except they didn't there have been so many times when I've chosen a turn that seemed to make me happy yet left me forlorn and as I look around me and experience my life it is another example of that particular strife that I am beyond choosing something that makes me smile and keep smiling day by day.

Something's just wrong, just empty, I simply don't belong. So many ghost lifes so many places so many people so many houses that promised to be home and yet my heart emptied into everyone and I was left empty handed and alone.  So many people pass me by, it's like I'm cup in hand and the sparkle has all gone. Begging for attention and yet the beautiful girl who once stood tall and proud is no longer around she's down trodden grey and all done. Done in from a world that every where triggers and upset and stench that she just can't consider another part of her life except her own. The hurts and the joyless deaths of possibilities I inhale. Continually believing the promises of hope - of hope that I belong but I know it's a joke ... It's not real it never is. The disengagement happens then the partings will start. The internalisation the destruction and then hurt once more again. The river of sadness will win. For anyone that gets too close soon realises I am devoid of all loving, caring, or hope.  It never stops. The emptiness caverns and then I shall run. I can never trust will never trust because it's simply an illusion and will leave me a husk of a person all empty and bleak. I don't realise the irony when choosing my name Chelle as in empty shell and Verite for truth. To see my C Truth is a sad existence and alas cannot prey on what once was a relationship full of lust. For when you believe that this becomes the norm the emptiness becomes the storm and the quiet stares which used to be delight and connection and helpful conviction all just ends by the lightness going out and it's no longer brightness in your eyes that I see it's a deadness and withdrawal which means we have nothing not even the chance of beginning. My walk has begun it never really ended I niavely thought that I had a chance but that was my childish belief that I was meant to win. 

Adoption takes everything from you. Any chance of normality or an existence. It lacks the ability to function in the dynamics of expectation. My anger wins , and my disgust my lack of joy will continue and leave my heart wisened and hard. The only departure I wish for is to have the darkness consume so my eye will not open and the quietness resumes.”