Opinion ~ ADOPTION

 Opinion ~

ADOPTION

It has been the subject of greed, inhumanity and has been bastardized by pro-lifers. Pro-lifers, now there’s a misnomer if I ever heard one. They are more interested in how much they can sell the baby for rather than the baby’s health, welfare and living a meaningful life. As for the baby’s biological mother, she is nothing but a brood mare to them. 

Over the years of internment in Facebook jail, I have used that time constructively, attempting to put into words my feelings and beliefs about the subject of adoption from a unique perspective. It is still a work in progress, so, in the interim, I keep posting the words of others I find to be both inspirational and true since Facebook has always censured me and punished me for telling the truth. This last time was for having the audacity to call out antisemitism. My bags are packed. 

"Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're (screwed). Conservatives don't give a (damn) about you until you reach 'military age. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? …they'll do anything they can to save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.

They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state."

-G.Carlin

Madeleine Smith - (Part 1 of 3)

“ I was born in late January 1968, at Royal North Shore Hospital and I was adopted out at 3 weeks of age. You have no memory and you have no awareness or way of knowing what happened within that 3 week period. They had a lot of different agencies back then linked in with churches so hospitals had affiliations with certain churches. My parents adopted us through the Catholic church. My Mum who raised me I will just call Mum, she had blocked fallopian tubes so she had a lot of different surgeries to investigate that. They didn’t have the technologies they have now. These days they would have been able to clear the tubes and she would have gone on to have her own babies most probably but back then adoption was the only way for those couples to have babies. There was no IVF in 1968 so there were even more families wanting babies. 

I wonder about many things…did I have breast milk? I know back then women expressed for other mothers and obviously you miss out on that early bonding. There’s been research done about that, lack of contact, lack of facial recognition and abandonment issues later on. All these things can create birth trauma. You would never know what causes what really. I’ve had those issues throughout my life. Just yesterday I found the book that my parents used to let me know I was adopted. It’s called, being the patriarchal society that we still live in, “Mr Fairweather and his Family”. That was a story about adopted children. My brother was also adopted. He’s 18 months older than me and we’re not blood related. I remember sitting down and enjoying that book. It made me feel comfortable with my story because it was a similar family with the older brother and the daughter. I think back then most families were told to tell their kids. They were told to say that we were special as well so I grew up thinking I was special, also my name was unusual so I kind of felt quite unique in a good way, I guess. 

As an adopted person you kind of feel like you don't belong anywhere. You don’t sort of belong in the family where you were adopted by and I’ve met my birth mother’s family, I don’t belong there either so you’re searching for that sense of belonging all your life. I guess being part of a community has fulfilled that for me. This community is pretty special and it is really lovely to be a part of this community so that has filled the void a bit. 

I spent the first 5 years of my life in French’s Forest and then we moved to Foster where Mum and Dad bought a block of flats so we had a pretty idyllic childhood. Growing up in the 70’s, our parents let us run wild. I’m surprised we survived it to be honest. We used to go swimming at the beach on our own when we were only in primary school. They were fun days. I’m still very close with my cousins and my Aunty and Uncle on my Dad’s side. They are my family because Mum and Dad have passed away. I have a very strong affinity with them because they’ve been around since birth. 

We moved back to Sydney and lived in Manly. Mum being a Loreto girl wanted me to go too so I went to Loreto Convent Kirribilli straight from a little country school to having to catch a bus for the first time. I missed the bus on my first day and I remember going home crying. Dad had to drive me. In hindsight it wasn’t the best school for me because I didn’t fit in there. I guess I was a bit of a rebel but shy at the same time. I didn’t have a lot of confidence, especially during my early teenage years. I was awkward and pretty anxious. At that time Dad drank a lot. It became quite intense when I was in Year 11 and 12. I ran away from home one night and bolted down to Manly, found a public phone box and got my friend to come and get me. I remember Mum picking me up from school. I sort of felt like I was her protector and I was the one in the family who stood up to Dad. Even though I was the protector I would also look at Mum and not respect her. I used to say, why don’t you just leave? She had a full time job and could have gone but it was 1985. Even back then there was this stigma. My brother’s gay and he was very self contained and quite closed. I always knew and used to think “come on, open up!” But back then it was pretty hard. He’s out and proud now. 

After Dad died Mum moved up here and was very happy so she had those last years of her life living as a carefree woman. It was a choppy time and I was acting out by being promiscuous as well, which I have read, is a common thing in adoptees. Looking for love in all the wrong places (laughs). 

I did really well in school until Year 10, then I lost my way. I started drinking too much and I blew it. I regret that as it shrunk my opportunities after school. All I wanted to do was travel overseas so I did a Secretarial course at Seaforth Tafe and my first job was in the legal department with the State Rail Authority. After that I worked in a big law firm in town and from there to another law firm so I got a lot of good experience being a Secretary. I had a serious boyfriend and travelled overseas with him when I was 21. I wish that I had studied Media and Communications and become a travel writer because I love travelling and writing so much. We came back, split up and I kept working in law firms. I went to the States by myself which was a cool experience. 

The adoption laws changed in 1991 when I was 23. Unbelievable, we weren’t allowed to have access to our records before then. I had always wanted to know who my birth parents were. I had asked Mum over the years and had always been so curious of my blood line and my heritage. The department put me in contact with Adoption Triangle who send you a letter template to write so you are not exposing them. You have to be very sensitive about their story and who they’ve told. Luckily they didn’t have Smith as their surname otherwise I would still be searching today. It was a really unusual surname I’d never heard before. Back then it was just the telephone book and there were only 17 listings with that name. I wrote a letter to all of them. My birth mother had married and changed her name but her sister in-law called me. Her father had 2 families, 6 sons with his first wife and then another 5 girls and a son with his second wife, one of those girls was my birth mother. Her sister in law said …I know who you are! So obviously her siblings knew because she was still living at home when she was pregnant with me. Her sister in-law arranged for me to meet them and I wanted to include Mum in that meeting, I didn’t want her to feel like she was being usurped with this new woman. She was an amazing Mum so that was very important to me. I do feel very privileged having a Mum like her. She was loyal and selfless to the end. 

I was so nervous that day going to meet Greta. My birth mother Greta answered the door. She was Danish and I had in my mind envisaged someone who had not had a great life, someone who might have been an addict, you know, someone down trodden. Because back then that’s the type of stories that were told about unwed mothers who gave their babies away. That was the story you kind of concoct in your mind so when she answered the door, I was like…Oh Wow! Not what I expected at all. She was attractive and just normal; and I remember thinking she looked a bit like Olivia Newton John. It was an awkward day. My 3 siblings were there including my elder sister Georgie. My birth mother had Georgie when she was 17 and kept her and then she had me when she was 19. She wanted to keep me but, because she was living at home, her dad told her she had to give me up for adoption. 

She said she worked in a chicken shop and was on her legs through the whole pregnancy and she lost all her teeth after that pregnancy with me. She was young and probably nutrient deficient after having her first so young and then me not long after. So that weekend I got to know that side of my family and I involved Mum plus my boyfriend came along for parts of it. She did say, with tears in her eyes that she was sorry, so that was quite emotional. She said she did want to go and get me. When she signed the papers, it said that she had 4 weeks to change her mind. She did go back but I’d already been given away. There was a lot of shame and trauma going on.” 

To be continued tomorrow.

Madeleine Smith - continued (Part 2 of 3)

“I think I was quite immature for my age. It was overwhelming. I felt more nervous than emotional. My birth mother was awkward probably because my other siblings had just found out of my existence. I looked a little bit like all of them. When my birth mother was labouring with me, the midwife shift changed and the new midwife didn’t know I was being given up for adoption so she let her hold me for half an hour after I was born and then….No, no, no..sorry…you can’t form any attachment to that child and I was whisked away. Back then they usually didn’t even let the women see their babies if they were being given up for adoption. It was nice for me to hear that I was held and I wasn’t just whipped away.

Thank goodness for Gough Whitlam in the 70s who brought in single mothers benefit and threw away all the stigma attached to being a single parent. I watched that series Lovechild which was a good insight into what it was like. Covering up records and giving babies away to the wrong type of people. You would put your name on the list and you got a baby.

My younger two siblings who have a different father are a lot younger than me but Georgie who also has a different father and I are close. When I met Greta she had found Christianity and she invited me into the family and took me to a big family gathering and I remember feeling weird like this isn’t my family. She tried to put her religion on me and I had seen what the Catholic church had done to some of my brothers friends. There was a moment where I basically said back off…’I’ve got my own cousins and I have my own aunties and uncles.’ I was a bit insensitive. Greta remarried again and moved to the States where I visited her once. 

I moved to Brisbane to work on a project for a year and I met Ove at a Valentine's Day party a month after I moved. He was a gym instructor at the time. We are really different people but we connected. At the end of that year we moved back here and we lived all over the place..Surry Hills, Bondi, Kings Cross. I was studying Naturopathy and Ove was studying Fine Arts at the National Arts School. He is one of those talented artists/musicians who can put their hand to anything creative. He is an immigrant child so in a lot of ways we have a similar vibe going on. We moved down to the South coast before moving back here. 

I wrote Greta a letter when I was pregnant with Sonny, asking her what her pregnancy was like. When you’re pregnant you’re thinking, there’s some little person is going to come through me who is the only person who is related to me. Sonny came along in 2003. I was a Naturopath at the time and I thought I’d be one of those women who have the baby under the desk and work away. Some people can do that but I couldn’t. I gave up Naturopathy (laughs).

We tried to have other children and I can’t even remember how many miscarriages I had. On my 40th birthday I woke up in hospital after a pregnancy loss. I said that’s it! I’m happy having one child. We thought we were too old and then I got pregnant with Floyd when I was 42. I thought this one is not going to stick, none of the others have and I’m much older now…and he’s here. He’s an amazing boy. Sonny had 8 years of being an only child and he’s now moved to Melbourne so now I have another 8 years with Floyd being an only child.

When I had Sonny I was besotted and I feel like I was over the top controlling.  I was singularly focussed on being his Mum and I was very invested in being the best mum I could. Because of that whole need I guess to have an imprint on someone’s life. We are still very close. It is lovely now to be in a family with people who are related by blood because I wouldn’t have adopted children and I wouldn’t have had IVF.

Ove and I have done the DNA test. Both his parents are Norwegian so he had some questions about a grandparent on his Dad’s side. We were laughing because I have quite a lot of Scandinavian in me. As the years have gone on they have updated it so they can pinpoint exactly the area where your bloodline starts. I had a lot of Eastern European too. It didn't even occur to me I could find family through it.

I’m a bit all over the place but when I was 29, internet was just starting but there was a Micro-fish at the State Library and my birth mother had told me the name of my birth father so I decided to look it up. I looked him up and found him. It was so much easier back then. I can visualise when I called him on the landline as there was no mobiles. I remember being really nervous….Oh hi, my name’s Madeleine, I think I may be your daughter.” 

To be continued tomorrow.

Madeleine Smith-continued (Part 3 of 3) - 

"I remember him sounding shocked, not surprisingly. I remember him saying he thought my birth mother was seeing someone else at that time. He said he was coming to Sydney for his brother’s birthday and that he wanted a DNA test done. We met at my doctor’s surgery in Oxford St. We had the blood tests taken and I presumed he would pay for it. I didn’t feel a connection with him. He didn’t look like me and he was shorter. I thought maybe you just don’t feel it with dads. A few weeks later the doctor’s called asking if I was going to go ahead with the test. I assumed it was paid for by him. It hadn’t been. I rang my birth mother and asked whether she was sure that he was my father? She told me he was. I had no reason not to believe her so I wrote him a letter and basically said…I’ve checked with Greta and she confirmed you are my father and …basically we haven’t had any contact since. We never had the test because I thought well, why would she lie? We could’ve found out. If I’d known then what I know now I would have taken a loan out and paid for the test.…A missed opportunity and so frustrating. 

A few years ago a friend asked if I would be interested to find family members on Ancestry as she’d known I’d done my DNA test. I was definitely keen for this. She came back and said, you only have 90 matches and most people have over 400. All of my matches just kept leading back to my maternal side. She said.… Your parents could actually be related. She said she could take my DNA and put it on a site that can check that. I said, Please do! I had a few days of having a major identify crisis. A big mindf#@k. That is a whole different component I hadn’t ever thought of. I came to the whole realisation of… Oh well, I am who I am and I’m ok. Results came back that showed I wasn’t, they weren't! He had told me when we met that his family was from quite a well known large colonial family so as I knew this I also knew I’d definitely have some matches if that was my family. Either he’s not my father, he himself was adopted or he is from a European country that doesn’t allow testing.  Greta had moved back from the States and she wanted to have a chat with me. I talked to her about the DNA stuff and I said I realise there might be trauma around this part of your life and I’m sorry if it does trigger anything for you. However it feels to me that he might not be my father because nothing in my DNA suggests that he is. She was quite reactive and said sternly that he was my father. I just left it there and I haven’t spoken to her since. I felt like her responding like that left me no point. What I did do was sought out a case worker through the Benevolent Society who I told the story to. I had to reapply for all my records again. Due to Covid it took a year and a half to get those records. I have just written a letter to the man who might be my birth father. It was almost an apology letter. I think I was inconsiderate and I was forthright and selfish around it at the time we met. I didn’t really consider him and obviously with age I can look back and see I was insensitive. Now we are at the point that in the next week or so he will receive that letter and I don’t even know if he’s still alive. It would be just so good to get the DNA test done and this time I’m happy to pay for it. I just want to know. 

We moved to Lismore because we could afford to buy our first house and so we chose Dunoon. It was a sweet little village with only about 400 people at that time. I still worked part time in law firms and after I had Floyd I worked at Tafe with a good group of women. When Floyd was 2 we bought the business, Northern Rivers Pottery Supplies and a whole new world opened up to me with that business. I felt like I got to know the art community and it was so great to be a part of that community. I learnt a hell of a lot in that 8 years. I learnt a lot of new skills and I learnt a lot about myself. I remember I really felt close to this community through Bentley. I would wake up at 4am, breastfeed Floyd, drive there and watch all the cars arriving in the pitch black and what amazing days. So many tears and such comradery. That really pulled this community together. It was amazing. I’ve joined The Greens now so I feel like I’m an active member of them when I have time. We are really lucky to have a good Greens group here. They are a great group of people. After we sold the business we drove down to Tassie for a holiday. We ended up buying a block of land down there. We will eventually put a little shack on it. It’s really pretty. I have a great job now working at a local feminist service. I love working with women for women. It feels right. I can’t leave this community. I can’t even think of anywhere that could replicate this community. 

So the mystery of my paternal bloodline continues, hopefully there will be a resolution and conclusion soon. I feel like it’s my right. It’s my birthright!”

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