ADOPTION IS TRAUMA

 

Typical conversation in an Adoption Group

Mary: “You know, sometimes when you look back with the new clarity you gain once you know the truth of your first chapter or at the very least know the truth of how growing up adopted affected your psychological and emotional well being, some of the things that your adopters said to you are actually pretty hysterical, don’t you think?  

Like “don’t lie” or “we don’t keep secrets in this family” or the one that has me laugh crying right now is, amom going on and on about why she and I couldn’t have the close relationships her friends and their daughters seemed to have and of course it was always something I was or wasn’t doing.  Anyway finally as a teen and flirting with some rebellion I said “well I think it’s impossible for us to have the relationship they do because you and I met when I was 9 months old.  They on the other hand grew  their body inside their mothers.  You and I at some level are strangers. ”  

Well that didn’t go over well but after she settled down she did come to me and apologize in a round about way.

The hysterical part comes in when you realize amom had so deluded herself, probably because of the way I had been marketed, that to her she truly believed she loved me as much as if she had given birth to me.  And that made no sense to me what so ever and it still doesn’t because 1) she never gave birth to any child. 2) she had never been pregnant so how does she know?  And then there was my walled off self that wouldn’t or couldn’t feel her love.   

What a mess….. 

But hysterical if you can see the irony.  

Are we laughing yet???”

Many people responded with their experiences. This was my response: “My amom wanted a daughter. So why did she buy me? Perhaps her husband was hoping for a son she could not give him naturally. I learned, eventually, that it was to save their marriage, their unhappy lives. That hopefully I would bring love into an empty marriage. They should have divorced instead of adopting. You can’t buy love or happiness. 

I stopped bringing dates to meet her because she saw them as substitute daughters. She wanted a relationship with them like her friends did with their biological daughters. It really stressed out my relationships. I felt guilty when making up excuses for turning down my amom’s dinner invites. Not a way to live. 

I, on the other hand, wanted close family ties, something my adopted parents were incapable of giving because they were not even close with their biological brothers and sisters. So I was drawn to people who had close families, hoping I could become a part of them. It was my turn to recognize that you cannot create close families, you have to be born into them.”

Mary: “Sanford,  neither I nor my adopted brother have heard anything from our adads relatives since my brother and I buried him in 2013.”

Sanford: “Mary, the same here for me, my adopted sister and brother. That began even before our adopted parents passed.”

Sandy Sunshine: “Mary my adad died in 1965. After about a year, we never heard from that side either. My amom kept in touch with them but she was their sister in law through marriage which seemed to have more pull than me and my abrother. After all, they didn't adopt us. In 2006 when my amom died, I never received even a phone call or a card from her side of the family and they just broke all contact with me as if I never existed. They consider my brother part of that family but not me. I guess I was/am too tall, too blonde, too blue eyed for them.”

Vivian: “Sanford, thank you for your sharing! You helped me very much with drawing to people who had close family and trying to become part of them!! It never worked!”

“The Adopted Child: Trauma and Its Impact

Whether adopted from birth or later in life, all

adopted children have experienced some degree of trauma. Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. Though we are familiar with events impacting children such as abuse, neglect, and domestic violence, until recently, the full impact of trauma on adopted children has not been understood.

What Science Is Now Revealing

Scientific research now reveals that as early as the second trimester, the human fetus is capable of auditory processing and in fact, is capable of processing rejection in utero. In addition to the rejection and abandonment felt by the newborn adoptee or any age adoptee for that matter, it must be recognized that the far greater trauma often times occurs in the way in which the mind and body system of the newborn is incapable of processing the loss of the biological figure. Far beyond any cognitive awareness, this experience is stored deep within the cells of the body, routinely leading to states of anxiety and depression for the adopted child later in life.

https://postinstitute.com/the-adopted-child-trauma-and-its-impact/