Here's a message you probably won't hear at church this morning--this is what it feels like to be loved by you.
That it's about the Gospel, and keeping me out of hell and into heaven.
You say that you want me to have the truth; that I need real joy, real peace, real meaning, and real life.
I want to believe your intentions are noble and filled with a goodness of heart. You have my affection and I mean no disrespect.
But, this is what it feels to be loved by you.
It feels like, to you, I'm a spiritual project, a kind of personal Chia Pet you hope to grow into your image of what it looks like to be a Christian. To believe, act, and live as you do. If only I would convert and comply, and become a notch upon your spiritual belt. A member of your church.
It feels like you've determined that you are better than me, that you have all the answers and I most certainly don't. That I'm a depraved and lost soul that needs to be saved, fixed, and pieced together by your version of Christianity. A dirty bag of fragments that is worthless without your truth. If only I was as fully formed, whole, and holy as you.
It feels like you are against so many things, like hating people, beliefs, and values that don't subscribe to your points of view is a spiritual gift. It's as if it's you against the world and all that resist your every wish and approval. If only I would get on board or get out of your way. Or better, not exist at all.
It feels like you are always judging, always looking for your determination of sin in others. It feels like you prequalify everything and everyone for love, as if you could love someone too much. How terrible that would be. If only I was as careful, critical, and conditional as you, making sure not to give too much acceptance and affirm too many people. Everything has to have a rule or a regulation. Your rules, your regulations.
This is what it feels like to be loved by you.
It feels like your agenda is to control the world by controlling people, controlling society, and controlling everyone and everything. It feels like your faith is all about you while wanting me to believe it's all about serving.
It feels like you could justify just about anything, even the deepest darkness and forms of evil, if it would further your plans and aspirations. Honestly, it feels like nothing is below you and your desire to make your beliefs, values, and existence higher than all others.
It feels like you live in fear, like your sense of God has you living in constant vigilance with one eye open. It feels like there are always conditions to be met, a sin to manage, a fault to improve, and a world of people to conform into your faith or be cast out.
If I'm honest, it all feels so dirty, so shallow, so inhumane, and so unholy.
It feels far more like evil, and far less like Jesus.
If feels far more like hurt, and far less like healing.
It feels far more like selfishness, and far less like serving.
It feels far more like damnation, and far less like salvation.
It feels far more like backsliding, and far less like forward living.
It feels far more like prison, and far less like freedom.
It feels far more like a cult, and far less like a Kingdom.
It feels far more like a con, and far less like truth.
It feels far more like you, and far less like the Creator.
It feels far more like hell, and far less like heaven.
It feels far more like death, and far less like life.
And perhaps, most of all, it feels far more like hate, and far less like love. Which you say, it's all about.
I want to believe your intentions are noble and filled with a goodness of heart. You have my affection and I mean no disrespect.
But, this is what it feels like to be loved by you.
Grace is brave. Be brave.
By Chris Kratzer
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